The Immeasurable Treasure in Seeking God First, A Prodigal's Tale.

Dark and still in the quiet hours before the sun, I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. Setting my feet on the cool wood floor, I shuffle hazily to the kitchen where fresh coffee is waiting for me. The bottom of my feet hurt; I am stiff, and  I feel my body growing old.  I smile though, filled with the excitement of a child, because I know these bones are only temporary housing for my soul.  I pour myself a cup, the biggest one, the design embellishing it faded and worn from so very many washings preceeded by so very many cupfuls in the quiet dark.  This is my daily church. This is the calm before the storm of so many hectic mornings and so many details that can easily swallow me up if I don't first find my footing on solid rock.

And as I settle into this day, in the dark, surrounded by animals, I breathe out deep as I can, my head bowed low and my heart laid bare.  I empty myself of everything that I am.  Take it all.  Every broken place and every hurt.  Every ill-spoken word and every blundering failure, every time I fell, more times than I care to count, every bit of my soul.  My one broken, eternal, worthy-of-love, infinitely-valuable to the creator of the universe, soul.  Take it all....it is the only thing I can give, but all of it I freely give.  And there in the quiet dark, He, GOD, comes and fills all the broken space with a love that is so intimate and all-encompassing and all-consuming that I want to stay in that moment forever and never leave.  Just let me stay here forever swallowed up in this love. 

This great love.

For so many years I ran.  I ran so far away.  I ran into the arms of a destruction that wore many faces and took many forms. For so long, I was my own worst enemy.  In the end, isn't that the case for so many of us though?  I ran and ran, until finally, no doubt at the behest of the ceaseless prayers of my mother and those that loved me in my own darkness, I came to the end of myself and fell at the feet of Jesus.  And there, in the midst of my sin, he picked me up and told me it was finished, that before I was even born he had dealt with it. He told me he had left it all at the cross and I should too.  And so I unburdened myself of its unbearable weight and walked away, free of my own shackles, and alive for the very first time.  But that is another story, for another day. And what an epic rescue tale it is. 

Life with children is magical, seeing the world through their eyes is a precious gift.  But life with children is also hard.  They need so very much of you, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Some days I feel as though I'll go mad from the chaos and that I have absolutely nothing left to give except screams and anger and , so help me, if one more person touches me, I will explode.  But that's me, and in my human capacity I will always fall short. I will never be enough or have enough.  But I know a BIG God who will always give me the strength and the portion I need for that day.

Give me this day my daily bread.  Fill my cup, I lift it up.

But I must first seek Him. I have to give Him myself, so he can give me Himself.  We arrange to meet in the quiet dark and perform this Holy transaction on a daily basis, and this time I am the child, needing her father.  But unlike me, his portion never runs out and never falls short.

Pick me up, father, I have fallen.  I fall.  Again and again. 

And there in that early morning, as the birds are beginning to proclaim the glory of this day in a beautiful cacophony of song, while our great star slowly edges up over the horizon casting golden beams of light into the fading dark, I am filled up.  I have sought the face of God and he has revealed it to me in His great love.  On a white slipcovered sofa, covered in dog and cat hair, in the midst of a mostly sleeping house scattered with toys and filed with broken and needing people, a holy transaction has taken place.  It is a great and profound mystery to me.  Like real magic but bigger and even more real.  

I whisper in my heart, show me the secret things.  Reveal to my heart the hidden truths and great mysteries, give me what I need for this day. Feet curled beneath me and covered in a white knit blanket, I open my Bible to The Psalms and settle on the 61st.  There, in these ancient words, a very human David works out his argument with God and by the end of the chapter it has been turned into a song of praise, he too having found great love in the seeking. Like weapons that I will use to defend myself from whatever trials this day presents to me, I tuck the words into my heart.  They will become a shield and a sword, and a song.  They are like The Room of Requirement, becoming whatever I need of them in that moment. Different passages coming to mind for different circumstances.  I have made it a purpose to memorize them.  This is no light thing we are playing at.  This is real battle for finite time, for hearts and for souls.  I may only understand a little of it, but it is what I need for this day.  One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  Step by step we go. And all along the way I fall and look back at my failings, but Our Great Father, picks me up each time and sets my eyes back on Him and, hand in hand, we go forward. 

On the days when I do not begin in this way, I am a measurably  different person, a different mother, wife and neighbor.  I lose my temper and am quick to point out the glaring short-comings in those around me, including, and often most of all, myself.  We are all so very human, each one of us with only so much to give, such a limited portion for the seemingly limitless demands that the days and the world and other people thrust upon us.  But there is a limitless God, whose portion is FOR US, and it is never-ending.  He is waiting for you in the quiet dark, before the rest of the sleeping world awakes.  He has filled the heart of the birds with song for a private symphony to display his glory just for you.  He has caused flowers to bloom and give up their fragrant perfume for you, His glory is on display for you all day, you only need be still to see it. He waits in the quiet dark of the morning to perform a holy transaction with your heart. He waits to reveal great love and ancient mysteries to your seeking soul.  He tells me you are loved more than you know.

Will you meet Him there in the morning?  

XO,